Letter to sister from dead brother

Dear Sister,

By the time you read this I’ll be dead. This is how I think it’s gonna happen: Dave will shoot me, then I’ll shoot Dave, then Eric will enter and get shot by Dave. Then you’ll come in and get shot by Eric, Dave, and I multiple times.

Sincerely, Your brother Keith. P.S. Then two cops will read this letter and shoot each other

There’s something wrong with my ear

They always ask at the doctor’s reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what’s wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There’s nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, ‘Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’

There’s something wrong with my dick’, he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, ‘You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ‘

‘Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ he said.

The Receptionist replied; ‘Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.’

The man replied, ‘You shouldn’t ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’

‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
‘And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?’

‘I can’t piss out of it,’ he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Sister Mary and Sister Grace ride their bicycles to church

But one day their normal route is blocked by construction.

The two nuns take a detour through a historic part of town, with beautiful Gothic architecture and a large cobblestone plaza.

Sister Mary gazes around in wonder, inspired by the buildings, but Sister Grace is having a difficult time staying on her bike.

“This is wonderful,” Sister Mary says. “I don’t think we’ve ever come this way before.”

Sister Grace pants, “I… think… it’s… the… cobblestones.”

Best toast of the night

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”.

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

Bill and Hillary got married

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,974.25 in cash. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed saying, “I am so sorry.. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under the bed. However, today the temptation was to much and I gave in. But now I need to know, Why do you keep the empty cans in the box?”

Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box to remind myself not to do it again.”

Hillary was shocked, but thought to herself, “I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess three times is not that bad considering the number of years we have been together…”

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?”

Bill answered. “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.”

Household Duties – How to Be a Good Housewife?

Three men were sitting together talking about how they had given their new wives household duties.

Terry had married a woman from America and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their home. He said he had to repeat this for a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Australia. He related that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the house cleaning, dishes and cooking. He told the others that he didn’t see any results in the first day but after the first day things were better. By the third the house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner.

The third lad had married a Scottish Girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he couldn’t see anything, and didn’t see anything the second day, either. By the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough, anyway, to fix himself a bite of toast, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

Albert Einstein “The World As I See It”

The fairest thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion which stands at the cradle of true art and true science.

He who knows it not and can no longer wonder, no longer feel amazement, is as good as dead, a snuffed-out candle. It was the experience of mystery—even if mixed with fear—that engendered religion.

A knowledge of the existence of something we cannot penetrate, of the manifestations of the profoundest reason and the most radiant beauty, which are only accessible to our reason in their most elementary forms—it is this knowledge and this emotion that constitute the truly religious attitude; in this sense, and in this alone,

I am a deeply religious man. I cannot conceive of a God who rewards and punishes his creatures, or has a will of the type of which we are conscious in ourselves.

An individual who should survive his physical death is also beyond my comprehension, nor do I wish it otherwise; such notions are for the fears or absurd egoism of feeble souls. Enough for me the mystery of the eternity of life, and the inkling of the marvellous structure of reality, together with the single-hearted endeavour to comprehend a portion, be it never so tiny, of the reason that manifests itself in nature.

Albert Einstein
Albert Einstein

Two engineering students

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.'”

The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

Cheap Hearing Aid

After months of gentle urging from his wife, a man finally had to admit he needed a hearing aid.

The audiologist confirmed it. “How much do they cost?” he asked her.

“As you might expect,” she said, “There’s quite a wide range. They run from $2 to $2000.”

“Wow, the low end is lower than I would have ever guessed!” he said. “Let’s see the $2 model.”

The woman gave a knowing nod, and pulled it out of the closest drawer. “You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket,” she said.

“How does it work?” the man asked.

“Oh now, come on! For $2 it doesn’t work!” she said.

“I don’t understand,” the man said, but the woman had heard that before.

“When people see it on you,” she said, “they know to talk louder.”