Why the long face … Jokes

A horse walks into a bar….

Barman: Why the long face?
Horse: I found out this morning that I have cancer.
Barman: Oh Dave, on your birthday of all days.

A horse walks into a bar….

Barman: Why the long face?
Horse: I have liver disease.
Barman: Oh Dave, I partly feel responsible.

Philosophical Quotes and Thoughts

The best philosophical quotes smart thoughts, Quotations from philosophers , smart sayings and tips about everything; world, life, living love, joy…

beautiful love

  • Become genuinely interested in others.
  • Use others names.
  • Limitless kindness towards all beings;
  • Limitless compassion for the suffering of all beings;
  • Sympathetic joy in the happiness and liberation of others;
  • Equanimity toward all, seeing friend and foe in the same light.
  • Make others feel important.
  • Be a good listener.
  • Nothing really matters in life unless it is done for others.
  • Become acquainted with every art.
  • Distinguish between gain and loss in worldly matters.
  • Develop Intuitive judgement and understanding for everything.
  • Perceive those things which cannot be seen.
  • Pay attention to everything.
  • Do nothing which is of no use.
  • Don’t judge others.
  • Feel comfortable with others.
  • What you are doing NOW matters!
  • Your life is governed much by self image and emotion.
  • God is the greatest.

The smartest person is the one who realizes how much they don’t know

  • Some people die at 25 and aren’t buried until 75. —Benjamin Franklin

  • Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions. Their lives a mimicry. Their passions a quotation. — Oscar Wilde

  • Two possibilities exist: Either we are alone in the universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying. —Arthur C. Clark

  •  Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. — Albert Einstein

  • Of all sad words of mouth or pen, the saddest are these: it might have been. — John Greenleaf Whittier

  • I fear not the man who has practised 10,000 kicks, but I do fear the man who has practised one kick 10,000 times. Bruce Lee

  • And when you gaze long enough into the abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you. — Friedrich Nietzsche

  • Don’t let schooling interfere with your education-Mark Twain

  • A man may die, nations may rise and fall, but an idea lives on. — John F. Kennedy

  • It is no measure of health to be well—adjusted to a profoundly sick society. — Jiddu Krisnamurti

  • Every man dies, but not every man truly lives. — William Wallace

  • Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. — Plato

  • Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go. ― Oscar Wilde

  • Have I not destroyed my enemy when I have made him into my friend? — Abraham Lincoln

  • To love is to recognize yourself in another. – Eckhart Tolle

  • Prejudices are rarely overcome by argument; not being founded in reason they cannot be destroyed by logic. — Tryon Edwards

  •  If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up the men to gather wood, divide the work and give orders. Instead, teach them to yearn for the vast and endless sea. —Antoine de Saint—Exupery

  • They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. — Benjamin Franklin

  • Only when the last tree has died and the last river has been poisoned and the last fish been caught will we realize we cannot eat money. — Indian Proverb

  • And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair. –Kahlil Gibran

  • Try as much as possible to be wholly alive, with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell and when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough. – William Saroyan

  • When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life. ― John Lennon

  • Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid. ― Albert Einstein

  • As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world – that is the myth of the atomic age – as in being able to remake ourselves. ― Mahatma Gandhi

  • The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable; they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed. — Ernest Hemingway

  • In a closed society where everybody’s guilty, the only crime is getting caught. In a world of thieves, the only final sin is stupidity. ― Hunter S. Thompson

  • Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies in the final sense a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. ― Dwight D. Eisenhower

  • Do the difficult things while they are easy and do the great things while they are small. A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. – Lao Tzu

  • Dalai Llama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, said: “ Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”

  • I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need. We’re the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War’s a spiritual war… our Great Depression is our lives. We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. And we’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off ― Chuck Palahniuk

If you can read this, your brain is 50% faster than those who can’t

if yuo can read tihs, you hvae a sgtrane mnid, too.
Can you raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno’t mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.

Jokes about Super Mario and other video games

Q: What does Princess Peach sit on at a bar?
A: A toad stool

Q: How does Yoshi feel when he gets hurt?
A: Dino-sore

Q: What does Donkey Kong do when he sees a boat?
A: He goes ape ship

Q: What is Zelda’s favorite breakfast side dish?
A: A sausage Link

Q: What’s a toilet’s favorite game?
A: Call of Doodie

Q: What is Mega Man’s favorite diet beverage?
A: Dr. Light

Q: Which illegal substance does a gamer use to bulk up faster?
A: Aste-roids

Q: What do you call the Nintendo Wii in France?
A: A Nintendo Yes

Q: Which video game system is always late for school?
A: Atardi

Q: Why is Toad invited to every party?
A: Because he’s a Fun-gi!

Q: What did Wario name his art supply store?
A: World of Wario Crafts

Q: Why do Koopa-Troopas find the world so off putting?
A: Because they’ve lived a SHELL-tered life

Q: What do you get when you cross the Madden NFL video game and a sick hamburger?
A: Madden Cow Disease

Q: What is a Tomb Raider’s favorite after school snack?
A: Croft’s macaroni and cheese

Q: What are Super Mario’s overalls made of?
A: Denim Denim Denim

Q: Why did Frogger cross the road?
A: Because you’ve been playing the game for hours and you’ve finally beat this level

Q: What did Super Mario use to talk to the boos?
A: A LuWIGI Board

Q: What is Mario’s favourite play?
A: Mamma Mia!

Q: How did Sagat cure Ryu from the measles?
A: By giving him a Tiger Shot.

Q: Why did Ash get arrested?
A: Because while you were in the bathroom he took a Pikachu.

Q: What was Bomberman arrested for?
A: Indecent Explosure.

Q: Why did Mario cross the road?
A: Because he couldn’t find the warp zone!

Q: What’s Samus’ favorite food?
A: Metroid Prime Rib.

Q: Where did Mario buy his lunch?
A: Mario Mart.

Q: How did Snake save on car insurance?
A: By switching to Gekko!

Q: Why did Dante not cut onions?
A: Because he was afraid the Devils May Cry.

Q: What does a gorilla wear to the beach?
A: Donkey thong.

Q: What did Shang Tsung say to the Aztec witchdoctor?
A: Your soul is Mayan.

Q: What do you get when you cross Epona with a DeLorian?
A: A Link to the past.

Q: What’s a Street Fighter’s favorite dessert?
A: Abel Pie.

Q: What did the WWE Wrestler say to the video game controller?
A: Are you ready to rumble pack?!

Q: What do you get if you tape a stick of dynamite to a hedgehog?
A: SONIC BOOM!

Q: What did Link use to win the basketball game?
A: His hookshot.

Puddle thinking by Douglas Adams

Imagine a puddle waking up one morning and thinking, “This is an interesting world I find myself in, an interesting hole I find myself in, fits me rather neatly, doesn’t it? In fact it fits me staggeringly well, must have been made to have me in it!”

This is such a powerful idea that as the sun rises in the sky and the air heats up and as, gradually, the puddle gets smaller and smaller, it’s still frantically hanging on to the notion that everything’s going to be alright, because this world was meant to have him in it, was built to have him in it; so the moment he disappears catches him rather by surprise. I think this may be something we need to be on the watch out for.

Chuck Noriss Jokes Only Programmers Will Understand

Computer Programing - Chuck Noriss Jokes
Computer Programing – Chuck Noriss Jokes

1. When Chuck Norris throws exceptions, it’s across the room.
2. All arrays Chuck Norris declares are of infinite size, because Chuck Norris knows no bounds.
3. Chuck Norris doesn’t have disk latency because the hard drive knows to hurry the hell up.
4. Chuck Norris writes code that optimizes itself.
5. Chuck Norris can’t test for equality because he has no equal.
6. Chuck Norris doesn’t need garbage collection because he doesn’t call .Dispose(), he calls .DropKick().
7. Chuck Norris’s first program was kill -9.
8. Chuck Norris burst the dot com bubble.
9. All browsers support the hex definitions #chuck and #norris for the colors black and blue.
10. MySpace actually isn’t your space, it’s Chuck’s (he just lets you use it).
11. Chuck Norris can write infinite recursion functions…and have them return.
12. Chuck Norris can solve the Towers of Hanoi in one move.
13. The only pattern Chuck Norris knows is God Object.
14. Chuck Norris finished World of Warcraft.
15. Project managers never ask Chuck Norris for estimations…ever.
16. Chuck Norris doesn’t use web standards as the web will conform to him.
17. “It works on my machine” always holds true for Chuck Norris.
18. Whiteboards are white because Chuck Norris scared them that way.
19. Chuck Norris doesn’t do Burn Down charts, he does Smack Down charts.
20. Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
21. Chuck Norris’s beard can type 140 wpm.
22. Chuck Norris can unit test entire applications with a single assert.
23. Chuck Norris doesn’t bug hunt as that signifies a probability of failure, he goes bug killing.
24. Chuck Norris’s keyboard doesn’t have a Ctrl key because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
25. When Chuck Norris is web surfing websites get the message “Warning: Internet Explorer has deemed this user to be malicious or dangerous. Proceed?”.

Springfield was rebuilt in a different place and everyone moved to Outlands

Outland new Springfield
Outlands The new Springfield

In the 500th episode, Season 23’s “At Long Last Leave,” the Springfield townspeople held a secret meeting to kick the Simpsons out of the city because their constant antics have bankrupted Springfield. The Simpsons go to live in an unincorporated community called “The Outlands” that’s run-down and has no laws. Soon, everyone in Springfield wants to start a new life in The Outlands, and the entire town abandons Springfield and rebuilds it in The Outlands, so every episode after episode 500 takes place in a second, different Springfield.