Does the barber shave himself?

Suppose there is a town with just one male barber; and that every man in the town keeps himself clean-shaven: some by shaving themselves, some by attending the barber. It seems reasonable to imagine that the barber obeys the following rule: He shaves all and only those men in town who do not shave themselves.
Under this scenario, we can ask the following question: Does the barber shave himself?
Asking this, however, we discover that the situation presented is in fact impossible:
– If the barber does not shave himself, he must abide by the rule and shave himself.
– If he does shave himself, according to the rule he will not shave himself

shave himself

Business Slogans – Unique and Funny

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
“We’re #1 in the #2 business.”

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

At a Proctologist’s door
“To expedite your visit please back in.”

On a Plumber’s truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”

On a Plumber’s truck:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

Pizza Shop Slogan:
“7 days without pizza makes one weak.”

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”

On a Plastic Surgeon’s Office door:
“Hello. Can we pick your nose?”

At a Towing company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”

On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Nonsmoking Area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action.”

On a Maternity Room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”

At an Optometrist’s Office
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a Taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”

In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”

On a Fence:
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.”

At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the Electric Company:
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you
don’t, you will be.”

In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

At a Propane Filling Station,
“Thank heaven for little grills.”

And don’t forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”

Blonde Walks Into a Bank

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The blonde replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

Noah Riddles and Short Jokes

Noah Riddles from Richard Lederer’s book, “Literary Trivia”

Noah threeWhat did Noah say as he was loading the Ark? “Now I herd everything

Why did the people on the ark think the horses were pessimistic? They kept saying neigh

What animal could Noah not trust? The cheetah

Why couldn’t they play cards on the ark? Noah was sitting on the deck

Who was the first canning factory run by? Noah-he had a boat full of preserved pairs

Was Noah the first one out of the Ark? No, he came fourth out of the ark

Which animal took the most baggage into the arc? What animal took the least?The elephant took his trunk.But the fox and the rooster took only a brush and comb between them,

Why weren’t there any worms on the arc? Because worms come in apples not in pairs.

Where did Noah keep the bees? In the ark hives.

Where was Noah when the lights went out? In d’ark.

Why couldn’t Noah catch many fish? He only had two worms.

What did the cat say when the ark landed? Is that Ararat?

Is beer good for you or not?

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and the weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as its slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. And, naturally, the slowest and weakest brain cells are attacked first.

And so, it can be hypothesized that regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, resulting in a faster and more efficient brain.

Hence, the reason to why you always feel smarter after a few beers!

Life times saving

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, “Ohhh God! He told me he’d been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!”

Funny Quotes and Sayings

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they get up in the morning that’s the best they’re going to feel all day.

“My life is like a porno-movie, without the sex”.

If you can’t dazzle ‘em with brilliance, baffle ‘em with bullshit.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother

Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots say to his students?
A: Watch closely. I’m only going to do this once.

Camouflage condoms: So they won’t see you coming.

A Stanford research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 3,000 responses about three days after the ad came out. All from the same person.

The philosophy exam was a piece of cake — which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Don’t be so open-minded that your brains fall out.

“It’s me and you against the world. So when do we attack?”

I drink to make other people interesting.

I got a dog and named him “Stay”. Now, I go “Come here, Stay!”. After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn’t move at all.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

“Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each, and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making any sense, became emotional, and couldn’t drive. No further testing is planned.”

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian!

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

I’m not suffering from insanity, I’m enjoying every minute of it.

Eat healthy, exercise more, still die.

Always check for ferrets before sitting.

A friend is someone who knows all about you but likes you anyway.

There are three types of people in this world: those who can count and those who can’t.

I don’t like small cars or really big women but somehow I always find myself in em!

99% of all people in the world walk around with blinders on. The other 1% walk around in total amazement

. Dyslexics of the world, untie!

Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

life, n.: A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.

I wouldn’t recommend sex, drugs, and insanity for everyone, but they’ve always worked for me.

The top ten things men know about women:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

Father always said laughter was the best medicine, I guess that’s why so many of us died of tuberculosis.

When he is late for dinner i know he must be either having an affair or lying dead in the street. I always hope he is dead. – Judith Viorst

I’ve learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me. – Monica Lewinsky (on CNN’s Larry King Live discussing her weight-loss)

We spend nine months trying to get out, and the rest of our lives trying to get back in.

There ain’t no devil, ther’e just God when he’s drunk.

I imagine a world of love, peace, and no wars. Then I imagine myself attacking that place because they would never expect it!

Japan’s second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

I’m at a stage in my life where I’m having a hard time caring about things. Fortunately, I don’t care.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes!

The two steps to total business success:
1) Never give away all your secrets
2)

To all you virgins out there. Thanks for nothing.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.

A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings.

Who’s cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have a “s” in it?

12 Quotes on everyday life

  1. Art is how we decorate space, music is how we decorate time.
  2. People who say they can’t cook are basically confessing that they can’t follow instructions.
  3. The first guy who ever heard a parrot speak must have freaked.
  4. In gaming, the “Start” button is mostly used to pause the game.
  5. When the first child is born on Mars, we will have to add Planet of Birth to our passports.
  6. If I ever start my own dog training business, I’d call it Sit Happens.
  7. Pizza crust is an edible plate to keep your meat and vegetables on.
  8. I have won as many Oscars as Leonardo DiCaprio.
  9. If people don’t recognize Clark Kent as Superman because of his glasses, does his eye doctor know his true identity?
  10. Gyms are just rooms full of heavy stuff, that you pay money to lift repeatedly.
  11. Wallets are just pockets that we put in our pockets.
  12. Slang is slang for “short language”.

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer