I’m the designated decoy

Routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it”, said the man, “tonight I’m the designated decoy.”

The Best Attorney Joke

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

 

WITNESS: No.

 

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

 

WITNESS: No.

 

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

 

WITNESS: No.

 

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

 

WITNESS: No.

 

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

 

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

 

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

 

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Knock-knock jokes for kids

Batch of knock-knock jokes for kids

  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Canoe! Canoe who? Canoe come out and play with me today?
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Who! Who who? That’s what an owl says!
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in, it’s cold out here.
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Honey bee. Honey bee who? Honey bee a dear and get me some juice.
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Wooden shoe. Wooden shoe who? Wooden shoe like to hear another joke?
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? A broken pencil. A broken pencil who. Oh never mind it’s pointless.
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Cow says. Cow says who? No silly, a cow says Mooooo!
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Double. Double who? W!
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Mikey! Mikey who? Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole!
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Atch. Atch who? Bless you!
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? I am. I am who? You don’t know who you are?
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ya. Ya Who? Wow, I’m excited to see you too.
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Figs. Figs who? Figs the doorbell, it’s broken!
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Boo! Boo who? Don’t cry, it’s just me.
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Interrupting pirate! Interrup… ARRRRRRRRRR!
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Iva. Iva who? I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Avenue. Avenue who? Avenue knocked on this door before?
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? A little old lady. A little old lady who? I didn’t know you could yodel.
  • Will you remember me in 2 minutes? Yes. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Hey, you didn’t remember me!
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

Share and Share Alike

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. “Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!”

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. “That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”

As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couple’s table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. “Ma’am, why aren’t you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?” She answered, “the teeth”.

Don’t step on the ducks

Boudreaux, Thibodaux, and Robichaux die together in an accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven — don’t step on the ducks.”

So they enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, Robichaux accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says “Robichaux, your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this “ugly woman!”

The next day, Thibodaux steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for Robichaux. Boudreaux has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps.

He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on … a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. Boudreaux remarks, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?” She says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”

All women can benefit from the wisdom of the Navajo

A woman is driving toward home in northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long etc, she stops the car and the Navajo woman gets in. During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

If you’re wondering what’s in the bag” offers the woman, “it’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”

The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says, “Good trade.”

Does the barber shave himself?

Suppose there is a town with just one male barber; and that every man in the town keeps himself clean-shaven: some by shaving themselves, some by attending the barber. It seems reasonable to imagine that the barber obeys the following rule: He shaves all and only those men in town who do not shave themselves.
Under this scenario, we can ask the following question: Does the barber shave himself?
Asking this, however, we discover that the situation presented is in fact impossible:
– If the barber does not shave himself, he must abide by the rule and shave himself.
– If he does shave himself, according to the rule he will not shave himself

shave himself

Business Slogans – Unique and Funny

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
“We’re #1 in the #2 business.”

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

At a Proctologist’s door
“To expedite your visit please back in.”

On a Plumber’s truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”

On a Plumber’s truck:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

Pizza Shop Slogan:
“7 days without pizza makes one weak.”

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”

On a Plastic Surgeon’s Office door:
“Hello. Can we pick your nose?”

At a Towing company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”

On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Nonsmoking Area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action.”

On a Maternity Room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”

At an Optometrist’s Office
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a Taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”

In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”

On a Fence:
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.”

At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the Electric Company:
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you
don’t, you will be.”

In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

At a Propane Filling Station,
“Thank heaven for little grills.”

And don’t forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”

Blonde Walks Into a Bank

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The blonde replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”