- “Nobody can be uncheered with a balloon” – Winnie the Pooh
- “Happiness is something that comes into our lives through doors we don’t even remember leaving open.” – Rose Lane
- “The moments of happiness we enjoy take us by surprise. It is not that we seize them, but that they seize us.” – Ashley Montagu
- “Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy.” – Anne Frank
- “Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” – Marthe Troly-Curtin
- “Happiness is not in the mere possession of money; it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt
- “If thou wilt make a man happy, add not unto his riches but take away from his desires.” – Epicurus
- “Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions.” – Dalai Lama
- “If you want to be happy, be.” – Leo Tolstoy
- “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns
- “A table, a chair, a bowl of fruit and a violin; what else does a man need to be happy?” – Albert Einstein
- “I’d far rather be happy than right any day.” – Douglas Adams
- “Just because it didn’t last forever, doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth your while.” – Unknown
- “If you are too busy to laugh, you are too busy.” – Proverb
- “The most important thing is to enjoy your life – to be happy – it’s all that matters.” – Audrey Hepburn
- User’s PC hard drive is damaged, but support tech manages to recover the files in key directories and copies them to a new drive. Still, user is furious: “Where the @#$%! are all my files?” “Where were the files that are missing now?” technician asks. “I used to save them in that cute can. I use those files a lot, and that icon says ‘Recycle,’ so I thought it was a good place to put the files that I reuse often.”
- Newly hired user to IT manager: “My mouse pad is missing. Do you have another?” No, but you can get an office supply catalog from purchasing, pick out one you like and have them order it. New hire leaves, only to return minutes later: “My boss says you have to order me a mouse pad. She says you’re the only one who knows what kind is compatible with our system.”
- Power user creates an image of his signature to be added automatically to his outgoing e-mails. Other users see it and ask for his help creating their own. “One day, I get a message from a clueless user, asking to have a signature created for her e-mail.” I replied back with mine showing, and asked her if she would like one similar to mine. Her reply? “No, I want my name on it.”
- Trouble ticket: “When my computer is turned on, the person sitting behind me gets shocked. My computer makes a buzzing noise, and then she yells. Please help.” Support crewmember can’t find the problem with the PC, but he does get an additional request from the user at the next desk back: “If you can’t fix it, can you at least make it shock somebody else?”
- User says: “My monitor did not pass the drop test during our department move. I would like to get another one.”
- New user calls support staff early one morning, complaining that his computer won’t power up even though everything is plugged in just as it was the night before. Tech walks down to check it out, finds the user pressing the power button on his empty laptop docking station. Tech asks: “Where’s the laptop?” User: “I left that at home. Do I need that to get on my computer here?”
- Systems Admin is browsing among the digital cameras at a big discount store when he overhears another customer complaining about the cost of the digital film for her camera. “She said it was too expensive to keep buying memory cards because she filled them up so quickly.” He explains to her that she can copy her pictures from the cards onto a computer, then erase the cards and reuse them. The customer is delighted for a moment, then she frowns and asks, “Now what am I going to do with those 25 extra cards?”
- New employee complains to help desk that there’s something wrong with her password. No, it’s not CAPS lock. “The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars,” says user. Those asterisks are to protect you, tech explains, so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn’t be able to read your password. “Yeah,” user says, “but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me.”
- Helpdesk: “What kind of computer do you have?” “A white one.”
- Customer: “Hi, this is Rose. I can’t get my diskette out.” Helpdesk: “Have you tried pushing the button?” Customer: “Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.” Helpdesk: “That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note.” Customer: “No. Wait a minute. I hadn’t inserted it yet. It’s still on my desk. Sorry.”
- Helpdesk: “Click on the ‘My Computer’ icon on to the left of the screen.” Customer: “Your left or my left?”
- Helpdesk: “Good day. How may I help you?” Male customer: “Hello, I can’t print.” Helpdesk: “Would you click on start for me.” Customer: “Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates, you know!”
When you feel happy, really happy, it somehow seems that you’ve always been happy and that you’ll always be happy. The same is often true when you feel sad, or lonely, or depressed, or broke, or sick, or scared. Something, perhaps, to remember.”
- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
- It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it
- Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
- We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
- Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
- It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
- If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
- If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
- If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
- Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- If you drink, don’t park. Accidents cause people.
- Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
- Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
- If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- Don’t squat with your spurs on.
- Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
- Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
- A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- Duct tape is like “The Force,” it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
- There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
- Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
- Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
- Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
- Juan Valdez names his donkey after you
- You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth
- You sleep with your eyes open
- You have to watch videos in fast-forward
- You lick your coffee pot clean
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze
- The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse
- You can type sixty words a minute with your feet
- You can jump-start your car without cables
- Your only sources of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low”
- You don’t sweat, you percolate
- You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee
- You’ve worn the finish off you coffee table
- The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you
- Starbuck’s owns the mortgage on your house
- You’re so wired you pick up FM radio
- Your life’s goal is to “amount to a hill of beans”
- Instant coffee takes too long
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can
- You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar”
- Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position
- Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hook
Lewis Black on the Two Political Parties
Republicans are a party with bad ideas and Democrats are a party with no ideas.
Lewis Black on Soy Milk
There’s no such thing as soy milk. It’s soy juice. But they couldn’t sell soy juice, so they called it soy milk. Because anytime you say soy juice, you actually start to gag… We all know there’s no soy milk? Because there’s no soy titty, is there?
Lewis Black on Christmas vs. Chanukah
When you compare Christmas to Chanukah, there’s no comparison. Christmas is great. Chanukah sucks!… First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It’s a Back-to-School holiday!
Lewis Black on Candy Corn
Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that’s never been advertised. And there’s a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there’s a ton of it left over. And the candy corn company sends the guys to the villages and they collect out of the dumpsters all the candy corn we’ve thrown away. They wash it! They wash it! I’ll never forget the first time my mother gave me candy corn. She said, “Here Lewis! This is corn that tastes like candy!” (eats it) “This tastes like crap”’ And every year since then, Halloween is returned and I, like an Alzheimer’s patient, find myself in a room, and the room has a table in it, and on the table, is a bowl of candy corn. And I look at it, as if I’ve never seen it before. “Candy corn,” I think. “Corn that tastes like candy. I can’t wait.” (eats it) “SON OF A BITCH!”
Lewis Black on NyQuil
I like having a cold. I get to take my favorite drug, which is NyQuil… NyQuil is 180 proof. It’s the moonshine of medicine… When I got a cold I want something that’s going to screw me up. Because that way the blur seems interesting. NyQuil comes in two colors: red and green. And it’s the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.
- Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving toddler was Ms. Robertson’s son.
- 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently did not notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal the hubcaps.
- Terrence Dickson of Bristol , Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He could not re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut The family was on vacation and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for 8 days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner’s insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The Jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.
- Jerry Williams of Little Rock , Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor’s Beagle dog. The Beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been a little provoked at the time as Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the fence into the yard, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
- A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms.Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier, during an argument.
- Kara Walton of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a Night Club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out two of her front teeth. This occurred whilst Ms. Walton was trying to sneak in the window of the Ladies Room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
- Runaway winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma . Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new Winnebago Motor home. On his trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver’s seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner’s manual that he could not actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new Winnebago Motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreational vehicles
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why of course,” comes the reply.
The first man then asks: “Where are you from?”
“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.
The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.”
“Of course,” replies the second man.
I’m curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Ireland are you from?”
“Dublin,” comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it,” says the first man. “I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.”
“Of course,” replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “What school did you go to?”
“Saint Mary’s,” replies the second man, “I graduated in ’62.”
“This is unbelievable!”, the first man says. “I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ’62, too!”
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. “What’s been going on?” he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Kinly twins are drunk again.”
Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going?
But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the European Union rather than
German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-
year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English.”
In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c.” Sertainly, this will make
the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour
of “k.” This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f.” This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double leters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the
horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th”
with z” and “w” with “v.” During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be
dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil
sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find
it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.