LIFE TIPS : If you get pulled over for speeding

A police officer pulls a bloke over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver’s license?

Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended for speeding.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes mate. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.

I’m the designated decoy

Officer: There’s a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?

Driver: Yes, mate.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his back up. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the inspector approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Inspector: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who’s car is this?

Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration papers.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there’s a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Boot is opened; no body.

Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the boot.

Driver: Yeah, I’ll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, as well.

Blonde in emergency room – Blonde joke

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

“How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.

Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied.

A pretty blonde and magic beer

“What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?”

“No, Silly!” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I’m not shooting myself in the chest.”

“And then?” asked the doctor.

“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.”

“And then?”

“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger.”

Let’s Play Doctor! Sleeping With Patients

Doctor Dan had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

“Dan, don’t cry about it. You aren’t the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Just let it go.”

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, Whispering:

Dan………….

Dan………….

Dan………….

“You’re a veterinarian.”

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party

Why I Fired My Secratary

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.”

I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids will remember.

My kids came in to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, “Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday!” It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, let’s go out to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

Why the long face … Jokes

We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day…We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?”

I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.”

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake … Followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked.

Cell Phone Etiquette

After a very busy day, Peggy settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Manhattan for the ‘burbs.

As the train rolled out of the station, one last passenger jumped on the train and got the last seat — right next to Peggy.

Naturally, he pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.

Hi sweetheart, it’s Eric! … I’m on the train — yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting … No, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life — yes, I’m sure, cross my heart,” etc., etc.

It was nauseating. And no matter how much Peggy glared at him, cleared her throat, or otherwise tried to express her disapproval over his rudeness, he completely ignored her.

Fifteen minutes later, she got an idea. She leaned in close to him and said in her most sensual, pouty voice aimed right at his phone:

“Hey, Eric, sweetie! Turn off that stupid phone and come back to bed!”

Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer.

What do women really want?

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur’s youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch–only she would know the answer.

The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he’d have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises … etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur’s question thus:

What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.

All women can benefit from the wisdom of the Navajo

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable.

The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he’d ever seen lay before him! The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she’d appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

I’m the designated decoy

Routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it”, said the man, “tonight I’m the designated decoy.”

The Best Attorney Joke

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

 

WITNESS: No.

 

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

 

WITNESS: No.

 

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

 

WITNESS: No.

 

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

 

WITNESS: No.

 

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

 

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

 

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

 

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Knock-knock jokes for kids

Batch of knock-knock jokes for kids

  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Canoe! Canoe who? Canoe come out and play with me today?
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Who! Who who? That’s what an owl says!
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in, it’s cold out here.
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Honey bee. Honey bee who? Honey bee a dear and get me some juice.
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Wooden shoe. Wooden shoe who? Wooden shoe like to hear another joke?
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? A broken pencil. A broken pencil who. Oh never mind it’s pointless.
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Cow says. Cow says who? No silly, a cow says Mooooo!
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Double. Double who? W!
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Mikey! Mikey who? Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole!
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Atch. Atch who? Bless you!
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? I am. I am who? You don’t know who you are?
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ya. Ya Who? Wow, I’m excited to see you too.
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Figs. Figs who? Figs the doorbell, it’s broken!
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Boo! Boo who? Don’t cry, it’s just me.
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Interrupting pirate! Interrup… ARRRRRRRRRR!
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Iva. Iva who? I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Avenue. Avenue who? Avenue knocked on this door before?
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? A little old lady. A little old lady who? I didn’t know you could yodel.
  • Will you remember me in 2 minutes? Yes. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Hey, you didn’t remember me!
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?