Share and Share Alike

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. “Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!”

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. “That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”

As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couple’s table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. “Ma’am, why aren’t you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?” She answered, “the teeth”.

Don’t step on the ducks

Boudreaux, Thibodaux, and Robichaux die together in an accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven — don’t step on the ducks.”

So they enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, Robichaux accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says “Robichaux, your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this “ugly woman!”

The next day, Thibodaux steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for Robichaux. Boudreaux has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps.

He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on … a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. Boudreaux remarks, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?” She says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”

All women can benefit from the wisdom of the Navajo

A woman is driving toward home in northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long etc, she stops the car and the Navajo woman gets in. During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

If you’re wondering what’s in the bag” offers the woman, “it’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”

The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says, “Good trade.”

Does the barber shave himself?

Suppose there is a town with just one male barber; and that every man in the town keeps himself clean-shaven: some by shaving themselves, some by attending the barber. It seems reasonable to imagine that the barber obeys the following rule: He shaves all and only those men in town who do not shave themselves.
Under this scenario, we can ask the following question: Does the barber shave himself?
Asking this, however, we discover that the situation presented is in fact impossible:
– If the barber does not shave himself, he must abide by the rule and shave himself.
– If he does shave himself, according to the rule he will not shave himself

shave himself

Business Slogans – Unique and Funny

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
“We’re #1 in the #2 business.”

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

At a Proctologist’s door
“To expedite your visit please back in.”

On a Plumber’s truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”

On a Plumber’s truck:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

Pizza Shop Slogan:
“7 days without pizza makes one weak.”

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”

On a Plastic Surgeon’s Office door:
“Hello. Can we pick your nose?”

At a Towing company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”

On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Nonsmoking Area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action.”

On a Maternity Room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”

At an Optometrist’s Office
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a Taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”

In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”

On a Fence:
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.”

At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the Electric Company:
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you
don’t, you will be.”

In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

At a Propane Filling Station,
“Thank heaven for little grills.”

And don’t forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”

Blonde Walks Into a Bank

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The blonde replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

Noah Riddles and Short Jokes

Noah Riddles from Richard Lederer’s book, “Literary Trivia”

Noah threeWhat did Noah say as he was loading the Ark? “Now I herd everything

Why did the people on the ark think the horses were pessimistic? They kept saying neigh

What animal could Noah not trust? The cheetah

Why couldn’t they play cards on the ark? Noah was sitting on the deck

Who was the first canning factory run by? Noah-he had a boat full of preserved pairs

Was Noah the first one out of the Ark? No, he came fourth out of the ark

Which animal took the most baggage into the arc? What animal took the least?The elephant took his trunk.But the fox and the rooster took only a brush and comb between them,

Why weren’t there any worms on the arc? Because worms come in apples not in pairs.

Where did Noah keep the bees? In the ark hives.

Where was Noah when the lights went out? In d’ark.

Why couldn’t Noah catch many fish? He only had two worms.

What did the cat say when the ark landed? Is that Ararat?

Is beer good for you or not?

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and the weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as its slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. And, naturally, the slowest and weakest brain cells are attacked first.

And so, it can be hypothesized that regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, resulting in a faster and more efficient brain.

Hence, the reason to why you always feel smarter after a few beers!

Life times saving

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, “Ohhh God! He told me he’d been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!”