Rules of Life Kids Won’t Learn in School

Rule #1. Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teenager uses the phrase “it’s not fair” 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule #1.

Rule #2. The real world won’t care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. It’ll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it’s not fair. (See Rule No. 1)

Rule #3. Sorry, you won’t make $50,000 a year right out of high school. And you won’t be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn’t have a Gap label.

Rule #4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait ’til you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he is not going ask you how feel about it.

Rule #5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren’t embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Edward Cullen all weekend.

Rule #6. It’s not your parents’ fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of “It’s my life,” and “You’re not the boss of me,” and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it’s on your dime. Don’t whine about it or you’ll sound like a Gen Xer.

Rule #7. Before you were born your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents’ generation try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

Rule #8. Life is not divided into semesters, and you don’t get summers off. Nor even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don’t get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on.

Rule #9. Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the sandwich shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be perky or as polite as Selena Gomez.

Rule #10. Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

Rule #11. Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain, school’s a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you’ll realize how wonderful it was to be kid. Maybe you should start now.

via : Laugh IT Out: funny lists

The list of world’s shortest books

  1. The Engineer’s Guide To Fashion
  2. Things I Wouldn’t Do For Money by Dennis Rodman
  3. Human Rights Advances In China
  4. The Differences Between Reality And Dilbert
  5. The Book Of Virtue by Bill Clinton
  6. To All The Men I’ve Loved Before Ellen DeGeneres
  7. My Plan To Find The Real Killers by OJ Simpson
  8. Strom Thurmond: Intelligent Quotes
  9. Al Gore: The Wild Years
  10. Amelia Earhart’s Guide To The Pacific
  11. Easy UNIX /* GCFL: come on! it’s not that difficult! :-) */
  12. Ethiopian Tips On World Dominance
  13. Everything Men Know About Women
  14. Everything Women Know About Men
  15. George Foreman’s Big Book Of Baby Names
  16. How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
  17. Staple Your Way to Success
  18. The Amish Phone Book
  19. America’s Most Popular Lawyers
  20. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
  21. Detroit – A Travel Guide
  22. Different Ways to Spell “Bob”
  23. Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches
  24. French Hospitality
  25. Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette
  26. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA

Dilbert’s Best Quotes and One Liners

dilbert

A friend in need is a pest indeed.
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
Work is fine if it doesn’t take too much of your time.
When everything comes in your way you’re in the wrong lane.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
It’s not hard to meet expenses- they are everywhere.
I love being a writer… what I can’t stand is the paperwork.
A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
The hardest part of skating is the ice.
My phone number is 17. We got one of the early ones.
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, he’ll believe you. But if you tell him a park bench has just been painted, he has to touch it to be sure.
I had a friend once. Then the rope broke and he got away.
If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
Beat the 5 O’clock rush. Leave work at noon!
It’s not the fall that kills you. It’s the sudden stop at the end.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Hot glass looks same as cold glass. – Cunino’s Law of Burnt Fingers
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
Someday is not a day of the week.

The Wisdoms and Quotes of Homer Simpson

Homer Simpson Bacon Joke
Homer Simpson Bacon Joke
  1. Operator! Give me the number for 911!
  2. Oh, so they have internet on computers now!
  3. Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!
  4. Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
  5. I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.
  6. Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.
  7. Well, it’s 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.
  8. Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding, ‘You’re making a scene.’
  9. Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
  10. Doughnuts. Is there anything they can’t do?
  11. You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
  12. Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
  13. When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!
  14. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.
  15. I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!
  16. [Meeting Aliens] Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
  17. What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
  18. Marge, you’re as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
  19. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
  20. The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it’s time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
  21. When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.
  22. I’m having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
  23. Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
  24. I’m not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to Hell?
  25. Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.
  26. It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
  27. Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
  28. I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
  29. Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.
  30. Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman’s bottom? That’s right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.
  31. Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
  32. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
  33. Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
  34. Homer no function beer well without.
  35. I’ve always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is — and it’s me.
  36. Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
  37. If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English.
  38. I’m never going to be disabled. I’m sick of being so healthy.
  39. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
  40. [Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay] Hee hee! Look at this country! ‘You-are-gay.’
  41. All my life I’ve had one dream, to achieve my many goals.
  42. Dad, you’ve done a lot of great things, but you’re a very old man, and old people are useless.
  43. But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
  44. I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.
  45. Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.
  46. That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I’m going to clown college!
  47. Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.
  48. If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing
  49. I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!
  50. ‘To Start Press Any Key’. Where’s the ANY key?

Hot chocolate and Viagra

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra. The man asks, “Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?” The nurse explains, “The hot chocolate will help him sleep.” The man says, “And the Viagra?” “Keeps him from falling out of bed.”

Chris Rock and ATM Joke

“Everywhere you look there’s a new branch (ATM) popping up … remind you about how much money you got and how much money you don’t got. And if you got less than twenty dollars, the machine won’t even talk to you. The machine is like, “You better go see a teller.”

chris rockYou ever go to a teller and try to take out eight dollars and fifty cents? Oh, it’s disgusting … oh man, you gotta wait on that long a** line, people doing real transactions in front of you, you get on to the ****** front, you fill out your form, eight fifty. The ******* teller looks at it, she look at you, she looks at the check, she don’t even take the money out of the drawer, she take it out of her pocket, “Here you go, get outta here.”

And here’s something, man. Drugs are illegal, but ATM machines are open twenty-four hours a day. Twenty-four hours a day. For who? Who the **** is it open for? Have you ever taken out three hundred dollars at four o’clock in the morning for something positive?

Shit, when you press that machine at four o’clock in the morning, I think a psychiatrist should pop up on the screen and go, “Come on, man, save your money, man. Don’t buy drugs, buy some rims. They spinning, nigga, they spinning, they spinning, nigga, they spinning.” Americans worship money. Shit, you know why banks are closed on Sunday? ‘Cause if they wasn’t, church would be empty.”