What to do if you are attacked by an anaconda?

The following is purportedly from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case you are attacked by an anaconda.

anaconda attack

1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.

2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.

3. Tuck your chin in.

4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.

5. Do not panic

6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and – always from that end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic.

7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.

8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake’s mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg. then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake’s head.

9. Be sure you have your knife.

10. Be sure your knife is sharp.

Technology is not everything

grandma email meme

A jobless man applied for the position of ‘office boy’ at a very big company.

The employer interviewed him, then a test: clean the floor.

“You are hired.” – the employer said. ”Give me your email address, and I’ll send you the application to fill, as well as when you will start.”

The man replied, “I don’t have a computer, neither an email.”

“I’m sorry,” said the employer, “if you don’t have an email that means you do not exist. And who doesn’t exist, cannot have the job.”

The man left with no hope. He didn’t know what to do, with only $10 USD in his pocket.

He then decided to go to the supermarket, bought a 10kg tomato crate, then sold the tomatoes door to door. In less than two hours, he succeeded and doubled his capital.

He repeated the operation 3 times and returned home with $60 USD. The man realized that he could survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and returned late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday. Shortly later, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.

Five years later, the man’s company was one of the biggest food retailers. He started to plan his family’s future, and decided to have a life insurance.

He called an insurance broker and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied: “I don’t have an email.”

The broker replied curiously, “You don’t have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Do you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?”

The man paused for a while, and replied: “An office boy!”

What Is Irony? : Examples of Extreme Irony

irony

  • A guy from a black & white movie trying to solve a Rubik’s cube.
  • Irony would be to die in a living room.
  • Human evolution has reached a stage where we relish clicking a moment rather than actually living it
  • All the missions in Mission Impossible are ultimately possible.
  • We haggle with vegetable vendors for few rupees & then instagramming a Starbucks coffee.
  • Students praying for a science exam.
  • Ironic how we put so much effort to amuse total strangers on social media, but so little effort to bring a smile to the faces of our loved ones.
  • Ironically both respect and hatred are earned.
  • Some people mock religious rituals, yet follow their daily routines, religiously.
  • HIV positive is actually a negative thing.

Why is number 42 the answer to everything?

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy as the “Answer to The Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything”.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams
Meaning of the Number 42

Douglas Adams said: “The answer to this is very simple. It was a joke. It had to be a number, an ordinary, smallish number, and I chose that one. Binary representations, base thirteen, Tibetan monks are all complete nonsense. I sat at my desk, stared into the garden and thought ’42 will do’. I typed it out. End of story.” Other than that it is all speculation.

Philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

“Gentlemen,” the Devil started, “Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don’t know or cannot answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you’ll come with me to Hell.”

Devil_FlandersThe philosopher then stepped up, “OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ Socrates’ teachings.” With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked,”Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!” With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, “Bring me a chair!” The Devil brought forward a chair. “Drill 7 holes on the seat.” The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from?” The Devil inspected the seat and said,”The third hole from the right.”

“Wrong,” said the idiot, “it’s from my asshole.” And the idiot went to heaven.

Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow

Prostate-Exam

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.” The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. “Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.” The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?” The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

Health Warning : Do Not Shampoo in the Shower

woman-shampoo-hair

Warning to us all: I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner! I shampoo my hair in the shower and when I do,
the shampoo rinses and runs all over my body. Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning:
FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME”.

No wonder I have been gaining weight.

Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dishing Soap. Its label reads:
DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.

Problem solved! If I don’t answer the phone, I’ll be in the shower!”

Boy am I ever going to be water logged.

Chinese are so Confusing… A Chinese Call center

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?

Operator: Yes you can speak to me…

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?

Caller: I am Sam Wan, and I need to talk to Annie Wan. It’s urgent!

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to speak to anyone. But what’s the urgent matter about?

Caller: Well… just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn’t an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don’t have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I’m Saw Ree.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name.

Operator: That’s what I said. I am Saw Ree…

Caller: Oh… God…!