Woops Sorry About That Bob

hospital bed cartoon
Bob, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Bob’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Bob’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Bob motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Bob. But before he had a chance to read the note, Bob died. The Preacher feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it put the note in his jacket pocket. It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said “and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Bob died he handed me a note, and knowing Bob I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from. With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the note and opened it. The note said “HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!

Vacation Hotel : For Women Only

women only

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.”

Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.

“We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”

The women start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men here have it short and thin.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here have it long and thin.” Still, this isn’t good enough so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here have it short and thick.” They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here have it long and thick.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”

Agnes married and had 13 children

When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children.

Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children.

After, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

Lord, theyre finally together. One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”

Adam and Eve Joke

adam eveExistence was so tranquil and peaceful for the young couple Adam and Eve, like straight out of a story book, until one unfortunate day when Adam showed up one hour late for supper.

By the time Adam finally came home Eve was a nervous wreck, and her imagination was working overtime.

“Honey, what happened? Why are you home so late?” Questioned Eve.
“Oh I’m sorry! Adam responded with a wave of his hand, “I just lost track of the time.”

Now Eve didn’t have a Mother or girlfriend around to calm her fears, after all it was just her and her Husband and despite Adam’s convincing act her overactive imagination could not be calmed.

That night after two hours of restlessly turning in her bed, enough was enough. “WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING!

Hollered Adam jumping out of bed. “YOU KNOW DARN WELL WHAT I’M DOING” Screamed Eve right back, “NOW YOU BETTER LAY STILL RIGHT NOW, AND LET ME FINISH COUNTING THOSE RIBS!

Man VS Woman : Pick-up Lines

womanvsman

Man – Haven’t I seen you someplace before?

Woman – Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

 

Man – Can I buy you a drink?

Woman – I think I’d rather have the money!

 

Man – Will you go out with me this Saturday?

Woman – Sorry, I’m having a headache this weekend.

Man – Is this seat empty?

Woman – Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

 

Man – So what do you do for a living?

Woman – I’m a female impersonator.

 

Only the female mosquito bites

mosquito

Only the female mosquito bites, the male mosquito survives on nectar. Futhermore, the female mosquito bites larger organisms to acquire Estrogen! She requires blood to produce eggs. Her mouthparts are constructed so that they pierce the skin, literally sucking the blood out.

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven

God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was, that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really awful day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

The next day at 12.01pm, the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, said to the man, “Before I can let you in, you have to tell me what was happening in your life the day on which you died.”

“No problem,” the man said. “I came home to my 25th floor apartment during my lunch hour and found my wife half-naked. I thought she was having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight.

Immediately, I began searching for him. My wife was shouting at me as I searched the apartment.

Just as I was going to give up the search, I looked out onto the balcony and saw there was a man hanging over the edge by his fingertips! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and jumped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.

But he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall, and he didn’t die! I was so mad that I went back inside to fetch something that I could throw at him.

Strangely, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. So I unplugged it, pushed it to the balcony and tipped over the side.

It fell the 25 stories and crushed the man.Unfortunately all this excitement was too much and I had a heart attack and died instantly!!”

The Angel sat and thought for a moment. Technically, the man did have a bad day. It was crime of passion. So he announced, “Okay, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,” and let him in.

A few seconds later the next person came up. The Angel said, “Before I can let you enter, I need to know what was happening to you on the day you died.”

“No problem,” said the second man. “But you are not going to believe this!!” “I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure, so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress.

I think I got a little carried away, slipped and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine.

But suddenly, this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, swears at me, and jumps on my fingers! Well, I fell and just before I hit the ground, I landed in some trees or bushes which I broke my fall.

But I didn’t die immediately. As I am lying there, looking up, unable to move, and in great pain, I notice the crazy man push his REFRIGERATOR off the balcony. It falls 25 floors and lands on top of me – killing me instantly!”

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. “I think I like this new policy,” he says to himself. “Okay,” say the Angel to the second man. “Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven.” And he lets the man in.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gates. The Angel says,” Please tell me how you died.”

The third man says, “You will never believe this. I am naked, hiding inside a refrigerator……………..”

Who is easiest to operate on?

surgeons

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said, “I think Accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered.”

“I think Librarians are the easiest” said the second surgeon. “When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered.

“The third surgeon said, “I prefer to operate on Electricians, all their organs are color-coded.”

The fourth one said, “I like to operate on Lawyers because they are heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and a**es are interchange-able.”

Interesting and Bizarre Fun Facts that you should know

  • On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
  • China owns all the pandas and any panda outside of China is on lease.
  • Cleopatra (30 BC) lived closer to the World War 2(1939-1945) than building of pyramids (2560 BC)
  • Moon landing(1969) happened 66 years after the first airplane was flown(1903).
  • France was still using guillotine for execution when Star Wars(1977) was released.(The last execution using a guillotine was carried out then)
  • Greenland has the highest suicide rate in the entire world.
  • There’s more stars in the universe than grains of sand on earth.
  • There are more atoms in a grain of sand than there are grains of sand in the whole world.
  • The average person walks approximately a distance equivalent to walking five times around the world.
  • A strawberry is not a berry, but a banana is.
  • Saudi Arabia has no rivers. It is the largest country without rivers. Most of their fresh water comes from desalinization plants or underground reservoirs.
  • Russia covers more surface area than Pluto!
  • Siberia is home to approximately 25% of the world’s forests, making Russia the largest CO2 sink on land.
  • The Cold war cost the US approximately 8 trillion dollars which is equal to the GDP of China, the world’s second largest economy!
  • Crows have 250 different warning calls: including one for cats, one for hawks, and another for humans.
  • The average chocolate bar contains eight insect legs.
  • Bulgaria is the country with the biggest population decrease – 35% followed by Swaziland with 33%.
  • Tobacco kills about six million people each year – almost one casualty every eight seconds.
  • Until 1896, India was the only source for diamonds to the world.
  • Greenland can’t join FIFA because not enough grass grows there.
  • Since the beginning of recorded history, the world has been at peace for a total of 268 years – only 8% of the time.
  • Canada does not possess any weapons of mass destruction and has signed treaties refusing to possess them in the future.
  • With over 3 million lakes 9% of Canadian territory is actually fresh water and over 60% of all the lakes in the world are found within its borders.
  • The average pencil can draw a continuous line for about 35 miles or write approximately 50,000 English words.
  • A 70-year-old Indian woman gave birth to twins in 2008.
  • You’ve already forgotten 40% of what happened to you yesterday.
  • Most rats are capable of laughing.
  • Tomatoes are a fruit.
  • Humpback whales create the loudest sound of any living creature.
  • The most children born to one woman was 69.
  • If the U.S. cut its military budget by 85% it would still have the largest military budget in the world.
  • 50% of the world’s population is younger than 50-years-old
  • An average man will spend 10 years of his life working, 3 years going to the bathroom and 4 years waiting in line.
  • After pandas mate, the females chase the males out of their territory and raise the cubs on their own….